The Things I've Learned

Hello, I know it's been a few weeks. I've been having a rough time with dealing with things. I have been in a depressive state where other than being forced to do, like my work or go to class, I could barely even function. A couple years ago, I was diagnosed with depression and recently, I was diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. So, the last couple weeks have not been the easiest. However, I am grateful for the last couple weeks. They have helped me to see and realize some things that I would not have been able to see on my own.

About a year ago, I transferred to a school and I met people that I thought where good genuine, people. The reason that I joined this group was because I had met some of the people and they started telling me about it. I thought it would be a cool to hang out with them and have a group I  could be a part of. We were hanging out in the lounge of my building playing cards when we weren't at the organization’s activities and we would always hang out in the cafe, eat lunch and dinner together. It was nice. Well, one of my friends in the group ended up transferring at the end of the year, she didn't come back the next fall. She was the most genuine of all the people in the group. She was a good and nice person. She was someone that you didn't have to be fake around. When I came back for this semester, I became excited when I found out I had four “friends" in one of my hardest classes. I thought we could study together, and it would be fun. Almost like a hangout session. However, I was wrong. When I got here this semester, I asked one of my “friends” if we can maybe start a study group together so we can pass the class. This is a hard class to pass and I thought it would be nice cause we could help each other and bounce ideas off each other. The response was “Sure! We were just talking about that. We will pick a time and day and let you know!” Well, that day never came. The next class I would ask what happened about the meeting. Nobody wanted to say, “Oh, we met. We just didn't tell you.” The only answer I received was “We're going to meet this week and will let you know the time.” I thought it was just 3 out of the four of my “friends” who were meeting but I started to see other things. The 4th person had been invited to hang out and study with the others. However, they decided not to because the place where they were studying was going to end up turning into a time for playing instead of working. So, they made the conscious decision not to go. Then the four people that I thought were my “friends” in my class were beginning to talk about different get togethers that they had with other people in the organization that I also thought were my friends. Now, I know you don't have to hang out with me all the time and you don't have to even like me or be my friend. The issue was that they chose to talk about these things when I'm in the room. In fact, some of the conversation was directed to me. What I found out was that last year, they were all meeting and having fun without me and I ended up being a convenience when there was no on else available. One of the biggest things that really got me was when one of the girls that I thought that I was friends with, and thought that we were in the same situation by being ignored by our other friends, comes up to a boy in the back of the classroom who is new to our school this semester and also who is not part of the organization. She asks him, “Why didn't you show up this weekend? We were looking for you!” To which he replied, “Oh! I was coming but I live off campus and I didn't feel like coming back.” To which my so called friend answered, “Oh it was fun you should have been there. So and so got pizza, there were drinks and games. It was a really good time.” Another boy answered and said, “Oh yeah it was really fun.” By the end of the conversation, 2/3 of my entire class was invited and went to this party. That really bothered me. I understand that you don't have to hang out with me. You don't have to like me. But don't smile in my face, try to give me a hug, and ask to see my homework answers. Don't use me as a convenience because your other friends are not available. This sent me into a spiral of thinking, “There has to be something wrong with me. What did I do? Why does this happen to good people?" The whole idea of the organization that we're part of is opposite from what they're doing. We are supposed to be “brothers and sisters in Christ.” And we're supposed to care for one another, check up on one another, and ultimately be there for one another. However, there are some people in the group that are just there to fill the numbers and I just happened to be one of them. I started judging everyone based off of that and refused to be around anyone from this group. However, there is one person that I do hang out with. The way she talks is not right but I have to stand up for myself. But that's the way her mom and family talk around her. That's the way she was raised. She and I both have been left out of most of the activities.

Along with this issue, the semester is almost over and I feel like I’m still not where I want to be personally. I had this whole idea of how my semester was going to turn out and it never happened. My grades are fine, my GPA is fine. But the way I treat myself, my organizational skills, my self-care and exercising, not so good. I realized that both issues are connected. If I actually valued myself more, like I claim I do, none of this would have happened in the first place. I would not have let others use me and treat me like a convenience. I could have saved myself from feeling more depressed and the only thing keeping me going was understanding that if I didn't keep going, I was going to disappoint my family. And that's the one thing I could not live with. They're working so hard to help me through school and to get a better life. They are sacrificing their wants and needs for mine. And I am incredibly grateful for that. So I have no choice but to get up, go to class, and to do well. I just didn't have the power or the energy to do anything else past that. Even to write this blog. I've gone to the counselor here at my school and she gave me some suggestions that I could do. I've been trying to do little things like make sure I straighten my room every day, take 10 minutes for myself ,and get back to writing this blog. These are things that I really need to start doing. I have made the decision to stay away from those negative people. I am only going to be around those who want to be around me and who value me. I am also taking steps to learn how to value myself. Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who else values you. If you value yourself, you're unstoppable.   

One thing that is helping me is to listen to motivational speakers on YouTube and maybe some podcast or something like that. I have 2 Instagram accounts. In one of them, motivational quotes and good reminders for my day are almost all I have. I do have someone I talk to about all my personal situations and all of that helps me get through my day. I want to start doing yoga and exercising. Even if it's not going to the gym, I can do something in my dorm room or even take a walk around campus. I must put myself first and love myself because if I don’t, I’ll never accomplish the goals that I have set for myself and nobody else can do that for me. I will be more consistent with doing this blog. I’m using this to be honest about things I'm going through and maybe I can help someone else. OK! Until next time. Have a wonderful day 💙!

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